Hi again, Mister Gear. It's been a few years and it's good to have you back. We've had some good times and some bad times. But let's not forget the "holy hell, what on earth am I watching and why did I decide to play this with my girlfriend in the room" moments. Because those were the best.

5. Crotch Grabbing
Metal Gear Solid 2, 3, 4 | System: Various | Release Date: Various | Publisher: Konami

I had to combine these into one, if only because the entire list would be crotch grabs, otherwise. Nice touch with the bird crap at the end, guys. That's why I play these games: subtlety and class.

4. Homoerotic Sword Fighting
Metal Gear Solid 4 | System: PlayStation 3 | Release Date: 2008 | Publisher: Konami

This is at least a small step up from the typical Japanese gay jokes, which generally consist of "Homosexuals exist! Haha!" At least the end cuts through the usual marketing nonsense and promises simultaneous orgasms to everyone on the planet! Can't wait.

3. Otacon Sleeps With His Mom
Metal Gear Solid 2 | System: PlayStation 2 | Release Date: 2001 | Publisher: Konami

"Hey guys, I know this place is going to fall into the ocean any second and then Manhattan is going to explode and oh yeah my sister just died, but can you spare an hour so I can tell you all about the time I banged my stepmom and also sob uncontrollably until Snake gives me a hug? Thanks, you guys are the best!"

2. Do You Think Love Can Bloom?
Metal Gear Solid | System: PlayStation | Release Date: 1998 | Publisher: Konami

This bit is made only slightly more weird by the uncertainty over whether or not Otacon is actually hitting on Snake. The truth is worse. After killing Sniper Wolf, who then spills her entire life story over the course of the next three days despite complaining of being "lung shot," (especially cute if you killed her with missiles) it becomes apparent from Otacon's crying jag that no, he just has the world's most embarrassingly stupid case of Stockholm syndrome.

Runner up: Everything else Otacon has ever said or done in his life, ever.

1. Jack and Rose
Metal Gear Solid 2 | System: PlayStation 2 | Release Date: 2001 | Publisher: Konami

Hideo Kojima once said that the character of Rose and her relationship with Jack was at least partly based upon his own wife. He wasn't laughing. For the first time in my life I find myself feeling very, very sorry for that man.